Nov 27, 2016

Breathing Again.

For years, I would blog about a heartbreak in so many different ways.
How it would injure and cripple me.
I thought I was making decisions and putting things in place for me not to keep hurting the same way over the same reasons.
But now that i've let go of something so toxic, I can focus on me again. 

I can breathe again. 

Jul 4, 2016

Give & Take.

Hey guys. To start off, Happy 4th of July! I really lost communication with y'all. Feels like a whole year passed but it's only been 3 months but for a writer.. that's too long. Too far away from the one of the ways I have to keep my sanity because after everything that's been going on? You would think I'd be drowning in tears. 

One of the easiest and hardiest things someone can do is give up. 
When it's hard, it's mostly because people don't see a purpose in trying to pursue in something they used to believe in. We give everything & still want to give more so we don't lose what we already have. You give, give, give & all they do is take, take, take. Me & my mom would call it "a gift that never stops taking". So even though you want to give more of yourself but there seems to be nothing else, you walk away. You give up and  you give in. You lose. 
But sometimes giving up is a gain. After you realize that person had nothing else to give or even offer to you. You just had yourself along with your pride & a little bit of dignity because at this point, chasing after someone that meant no good to you can sometimes be humiliating.Heartbreaking. You take whatever you have left of yourself and build. You work towards being the great person you were before you got your heart ripped out.
Before you had trust issues.
Before you had to watch your back so closely.
Before you had to keep your feelings quiet.
But what if you can't?
What if there's a big piece of shit blocking your way to recovery?
What if there's temptation to make a 180 & go back to that person that hurt you because moving on was too difficult?
I don't know.
I always ask myself these questions. 
I guess I got so used to the give and take process that giving up and moving on was too scary.
Maybe the pain and heartache was the only thing that felt familiar because I felt it so many times already.
Maybe the give and take was my normal. 
But, it shouldn't be.
I should be so happy to have a little freedom, a little change in the usual routine.
But the fear of realizing you made the wrong mistake is too great.
Sometimes, that's why people go back to the give and take.

Apr 20, 2016

To The Guys.

I don't think I should speak for every girl but I do know that nobody wants to be lied to.
If you have a rider, stand up for them. 
It's in our blood, as riders, to be there. Regardless. 
Because we will ride til the very end.
I can say that I look out for everybody I fuck with.
I care about you a lot and I'm going to show it.
Plus, my love isn't materialistic.
I show my love through support and emotion.

People say "words don't mean anything" but I think they mean everything.
I am a writer and I do believe in the power of words.
Words can be deadly or uplifting.
It depends on who's saying what they say. 
Be careful with the way you approach people. 
Watch your tone, your body language, your mood.
Someone can feel your bad vibe before you even get a word out. 
Us as girls, if we know you, will know if something's wrong or something happened. 
We have that 6th sense as a girl that you fuck with.

Stop trying to act all hard.
Like damn, stop being so caught up in your masculinity or pride that you can't show some emotion.
It gets annoying & sometimes, it can be the cause to the end of a relationship or friendship.
I'm not saying you have to be emotional all the time but don't risk what you have with somebody trying to hold onto all this pride. 
It's not worth it & it never will be, trust me.

Be faithful or be single.
I mean, I never saw the point in being in a relationship with somebody if that's not the only person you want to be with.
Even in the talking stage, you should be loyal because that in itself proves that you are loyal enough to take it to the next level of the relationship.
Not everyone will understand, it's okay.
Not everyone is meant to understand.
Whoo, look at that, topic for a new blog. 

Mar 2, 2016

4 Letter Words.

Hate.
Hurt.
Pain.
I know when you saw the title, you were thinking the 4 letter word "love".
I think that word has been completely overused and taken out of context. 
Nobody seems to know the meaning.
If we did, half of our problems would be solved.
But love is complex and to inflict pain and misery is so simple. 
All you have to do is say something you don't mean, or take the wrong kind of picture. 
All you have to do is take out your anger on someone who doesn't deserve it and then, pain pops up.
But love?
Love is holding on to all those harsh words and considering the person's feelings before you bluntly voice your opinions.
Love is making sacrifices and putting people before you.
Love even sometimes means turning yourself around to be deserving of the person you're with.
No, it's not easy but nothing worth fighting for is.
Nothing is handed to you. Absolutely nothing.
So you might as well go through hell for someone you really want. 

Nov 26, 2015

Thanksgiving Spirit

I really want to appreciate and honor every single person that treated me like gum on the bottom of their shoe. 
You showed me exactly what I won't tolerate from anyone else.
You blessed me with your bullshit, surprisingly.
It's not even hard to admit it; we all end up looking stupid at one point and time.
Shoutout to those that disrespected me, calling me names that don't even match up with who I am.
You taught me how to respect myself even more, how to watch my own back because no one got me like me and you taught me that not everything is what it seems; people can deceive you and do it well.
So I personally applaud you for setting the wrong example so I know what it looks like.
You guys put my personality and morals to the test to see if I'll steep down to your low ass level.
I never do. 
But the real trophies goes out to each one of you, for teaching me to appreciate the real ones because there's less of them and more of you.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Decisions.

I always believed that there were multiple choices to choose from when it came to anything. 
Nothing was straightforward or simple..
And I was right.
There's always a gray area. 
Okay, he screwed you over a lot and somehow, you still find it in your heart to forgive and then still love him.
You know everyone is calling you dumb and crazy.
You're thinking,"just give it up; no one sees the best in him anyways."
BUT, you do.
You've been up close and personal with your bestfriend/ the guy you're in love with and you see a side of him no one else can see.
You've been by his side through all the pain, walking through it with him; listening to him when he needed a ear, offering up your shoulder when he wanted to cry.
No one has seen that vulnerable side so they all think one thing: fuckboy.
Stereotypes truly kill.
Especially when a book is judged by its cover.
You're expecting to know the full story beginning to end without even flipping to the first page.
If it came down to it, I'd rather read the full book instead of skipping to end, spoiling the whole story.
What if the outcome was something you didn't like?
Are you gonna burn the book or trash it?
But you didn't get the details.
Don't know who the characters are, don't know their struggles, their past.
All you know is what you opened your eyes to.
How are you supposed to make decisions when you only have one choice to choose from?
Pretty straightforward which one you're gonna choose, right? 

Oct 6, 2015

Inspiration Post #7

I think this blog will be the one that changes minds; the one that makes us as teens see beyond what you're going through right now.
I'm gonna make you guys see the bigger picture.
The beauty behind the hard work and dedication.
The beauty behind letting things go.
The beauty behind focusing.

As high schoolers, we experience a lot.
We see things and people evolve and grow up.
Our eyes are opened to things we thought we would never see before.
And yes, they hurt like hell.
But what I learned to do is not let them affect you and your progress.
Don't let it affect who you are and what you're doing with your life.
You wanna sing in front of a crowd? 
Find an opportunity where you can do that.
Stop limiting yourself because one situation has you feeling like you aren't good enough.
NO.
You're amazing, you're phenomenal and most importantly, you're capable.
Capable of doing anything you want, it's your world, it's your life.
These people that distract you from your main goal and keep you from doing you, let them go.
They are officially identified as toxic. 
They no longer serve a good purpose for you.
There's no reason to keep them around.
I took that advice, went with it and now, I'm much happier when I thought I couldn't breathe.
Now, I've never felt better.

Aug 30, 2015

Poison.

I'm two weeks into school, starting my 3rd week tomorrow. 
Plenty of my friends haven't kept in contact over the summer so now that school is back in, I guess everything is back to normal?
No.
Actually it isn't.
There's a girl that I used to be very close to, we'll call her V for now.
She was apart of my PE squad last year and our friendship was very original.
Our music taste was similar, so were our issues.
She trusted me, I trusted her, she wanted to stay in contact throughout the summer and to me, I thought it was great.
I thought she was a good friend so why not keep in touch?
I followed through on my end until I realized she was ignoring me.
She changed her # and didn't bother to text me to let me know.
Eventually, we had our conversation except her tone was completely different.
Turns out she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and I was annoying her by my instagram posts.
Let's keep in mind that V is older than me but her maturity level is the same amount as a 5th grader.
Readers, you know me.
I'm straightforward, I'm honest.
The people that care about me should be able to tell me the truth regardless of whether or not it hurts. 
You'd think I'd be hurt but really, it ticked me off.
Don't lead someone on to think that something is real when it isn't.
What's the point of being involved with someone if you aren't gonna love them enough to keep it real and appreciate them enough to speak the truth?
Lets start to recognize the bullshit before it even comes into reach, honestly.
I don't know about you but I have goals and these fake friends are distractions from our main focus.
Distractions can be deadly if you let them in, just like poison.

Reunion.

Alright, hey guys.
Its been about a month.
Y'all already know a lot has happened and I've been busy and I haven't been writing or posting on my blog.
I know, I know but i see some people are still watching and I appreciate y'all.
Got mad love for you because I can tell your loyalty runs so deep.
I haven't forgot about the website as you can tell.
There just seems to not be enough hours in the day.
But now I can tell you about a couple of events that have happened and maybe even some helpful advice, who knows. 
Stay tuned.

Jul 31, 2015

Summer Heat & Beef.

It's been a while bloggers, you know I missed my keyboard.
I hope you guys summer has been doing extremely well and it has been full of exciting experiences.
Mine certainly has.
Who knew you could bond TOO MUCH with the church people.
Who knew I'd end up cutting 4 people off just in this past summer.
Some of y'all really need to pull it together.
You know what?
I'll put you on the church prayer list.
I have actually changed and grew as a person.
I have learned lessons and accepted things that I don't want to accept but need to.
God got us man.
Whether or not you believe in him, he got us fr fr and he knows what he's doing in our lives.
The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can be happy about our failures and our accomplishments.
By the end of August, you'll know all the gory details of my summer. 

Game Changed.

Getting cheated on is a really big deal..
Changes things.
Changes people in general.
Makes someone question if they are good enough to even be in a relationship.
It changes their whole mindset and then sometimes, they have to go through life, carrying that chip on their shoulder, always wondering if they're enough for their boyfriend/girlfriend.
it's a burden that no one wants to carry. 
But when someone cheats on you, remember, they do not love you.
I know you thought something completely different.
And it's rough.
Dealing with it.
I found myself on the verge of crying but I held back because I had to keep telling myself that he lost me, not the other way around.
Don't ignore your feelings.
Accept what is and most importantly, accept what happened.
Yeah, you wanna make up a bunch of excuses trying to explain his/her actions but really, there's nothing that can make cheating okay.
Basically, it told me that for a second, you didn't love me and your emotions and your mind were somewhere other than focused on me.
Love, loyalty and affection affect people in so many ways, known and unknown. 
They have a hold over people.
That's the game of life.
But see,what cheaters like to do is to skip to the front of the line, cut in front of everyone else so they can get what they think they want.
But then, as soon as they have it, they don't even want it anymore
They want what they used to have, what feels like home.
They want to go to the back of the line and wait their turn, hoping they'll get a better prize.
But their spot in line isn't even available anymore.
Someone who doesn't cheat their way through took advantage and stole it.
Now the cheater is out of luck, begging for their spot back.
But the game plan changed.
They no longer tolerate or appreciate people that always search for better when they had the best right in front of them.

Jun 18, 2015

Confession.

Someone told me that my relationship with someone I really love is broken.
I took that shit to heart. 
Who wouldn't?
And I can't help but keep that in the back of my mind.
This person.. she kinda ruined the optimism I had for this relationship.
This time, I feel like I can't recover from what she told me.
Maybe I need actual space, maybe I really do need to clear my head.
But then again, another part of me just wants to have this long conversation with him.. 
Work it out, get it out in the open.
I hid my feelings and it's getting at me.
This sounds like the worst version of the worst confession of my life.
This cannot get any better.
I use to be so optimistic and I let her words tear me down.
Get me to thinking about something that probably isn't even true.
Or is it?
That's the problem here: we are lacking trust and communication.
I don't know how to move forward.
I mean, when your boyfriends' ex-best friend tells you that your boyfriend was cheating on you multiple times, how do you respond?
Who do you trust, who do you believe the most when both of them have lied to you before? 
You don't know.
It just confuses you to the max and puts you in the most awkward position EVER.
You're in a corner and there are no left or right turns; there's only enough room to drive forward.
But how do you drive forward if you can't even start the engine or put your car into drive?
That"s right!
You don't move forward.
You end up staying in that small corner, that small spot. 
All the cars are honking at you; driving by you, screaming out their window,
"YOU CAN'T DRIVE!"
and
"GET OFF THE ROAD!"
The words, they simply touch your heart just enough to the point where you start crying because 
You can't move forward if your controls are missing.

Jun 5, 2015

Inspiration Post #6

Hey guys. I'm back from my adventure in the forest of boredom and writer's block.
I haven't given my inspiration posts in longer than a month.
I wonder if you guys are itching for some new advice.
But it's a pretty simple idea but for some of us, it's pretty difficult for us to follow. 
Do whatever the fuck makes you happy. 
Stop looking for the approval from people because that my friend is something you will never get. 
They will always want more and ask for more. 
Whether you are on top of the world or living in the darkest area of the ghetto, people will still be talking.
So you might as well give them something to talk about.
Make mistakes.
Fuck up sometimes; stop trying to be such a perfectionist 24/7. 
It gets boring and unfortunately, adds no spice to your life.
At all.
But sometimes it means standing alone by yourself sometimes, on the sidelines being your own cheerleader and crowd.
It doesn't always mean having a lot of people to build you up.
Say how you feel, speak up about your situations, and do whatever the hell YOU please.
I learned not to take people's advice to satisfy their happiness.
If and when I was going to take their advice, it'd be for me, myself and I.Not because I wanted them to be happy with me..
Regardless of whether or not I'm with my boyfriend, people will still bring up his name just to crack up a joke and get a rise out of me because everybody knows I'm down for him.
What they don't know is "why". 
And will they ever really understand?
I don't know honestly.
But I sticked with him because he makes me over the moon happy and I'm deeply in love with that goofball so I take my risks and I do what I want.
If people are going to talk about us, they should at least mention how cute we look together.

Apr 11, 2015

Inspiration Post #5

I think I know where I messed up..
When I was really young, I thought there were no real issues in life.
I didn't watch the news and see the reporters talk about missing kids and kidnapping.
I didn't know the difference between credit and debit and I certainly didn't know what debt was; all I knew was that we had to be living good.
Why?
I was going to a private school.
And if I didn't know anything else, I knew this : Mom paid good money for me to go to a private school and get good education.
I just made sure all the hard work and thousands of dollars didn't go to waste.

When I was young, I thought everyone that appeared nice and trustworthy were exactly that.
I never thought about the downside to things or the fact that people could lie or cheat or steal because that mindset wasn't one i invested my time in. 
I thought no one could ever be that cruel.
Say I love you and don't mean it.
Who does that?

And the answer to that question is: People that are scared to admit the truth to others and to themselves.
People say I love you and not mean it just to see you hurt or just to see you feel and look like a completely fool.
Some people do it to make your whole existence feel like a joke.

 And because this one person told you 'I love you' a gizillion times and didn't mean a word along the line, you develop trust issues and bring every single one of those issues into your current relationship; ruining the chance you didn't even get to have all because you brought the past into you present.
Do I think it's your fault?
No.
You deserve better and whoever the asshole is that did that to you has another thing coming.
But trust me when I say to learn from that pain and heartache.
Learn that all water ain't blue and not everyone that says 'I love you' is telling the truth.
The world is just too dangerous for you to go out there with your heart on your sleeve.
It never works out well that way.

Dang, have your own fucking back.
Trust yourself; know yourself.
Because if you don't, you're more likely to get fooled.
And trust when I say that's everyone's nightmare.

Mar 12, 2015

Dedicated.

Don't you ever get tired of people looking at you the wrong way?
Giving you the wrong attitude on the wrong day?
Don't you ever get tired of always feeling the need to defend yourself with no backup?
Wondering where your real friends are when they can't pick up?
Don't you ever get tired of always looking over your shoulder?
Seeing your best friend, sit there and talk about how she screwed you over?
I know you do.
And the worst part is how you keep it in, believing no one really cares.
And your enemies?
They feed off your negative energy; they feed off of your feeling of defeat.
But the only real competition here is with yourself.
There's no competition with them because you are already winning.
Wanna know how?
Every organ inside of your body and every personality trait about yourself is so amazing that they can't handle seeing you thrive and strive through everything you do everyday so they break you down and try to tear you down with useless words that don't even come close to defining you. 
You are amazing in your own damn way and they can't stand that you know that about yourself and they don't.
So they spend their time and energy making fun of you and telling you tales about yourself.
They use their creativity towards turning your positive mindset into a destructive one.
But you can't let them. 
You need to know for yourself that you, a beautiful human being, are a bright, shining light that was brought into this world for many amazing purposes.
And none of them involved entertaining irrelevant people.
So do you.
Worry about you and your goals in life.
Worry about how successful you're going to be and where you are headed.
Don't worry about your ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend that wont stop haunting you.
They won't take you where you need to be.

I want to dedicate this blog to a person I just met that really needed the encouragement, even though he's been trying to push me away. You're not the only one.

Feb 28, 2015

Inspiration Post #4

Know your worth.
Know what you mean to people in general.
If you don't, they'll take advantage of what you don't know and use it in the best or worst ways possible.
If you know you're a damn princess, surround yourself with people that treat you like a princess; not people that treat you like one of the ugly stepsisters in some Cinderella story because this isn't another fairy tale honey; this is your life at stake.

I have this choir teacher that I detest and love at the same time.
He challenges us as a freshman choir.
We have to step up our game if we really want to go places in this organization. 
He tells us, as a choir, almost everyday the opportunities that could come towards us.
Sometimes I listen to him because I feel like it and other days, I don't want to hear him lecture me about the opportunities life has to throw at me.
I know what's out there for me and I know I can have it. 
But if I'm distracted by irrelevant people who break my heart and make me feel any less than the awesome musician I am, how am I supposed to know my worth?
How am I supposed to know how to chase amazing opportunities?
How am I supposed to realize that those amazing opportunities are for me and only me if you surround yourself by people that tear you down instead of lift you up?
That's the thing: you go on with life not even knowing.
All because you decide to focus on what your no good ex boyfriend had to say about you instead of practicing for the huge performance you have in 2 days.
And why exactly did you focus on his opinion instead of your own?
Oh right, you're still questioning your worth.

Feb 3, 2015

A Break.

Let's take a little break from these inspiration posts because I really wanna let some things out and I haven't felt inspired at all in these past few weeks.
I hurt my wrist somehow doing something, maybe it was the game we played tonight.
Did I mention we lost?
Not as bad as last time but a lost is a lost; period point blank.
I honestly think it's because we are not a team..
Yeah, I made a few points and blocked a few shots but those are individual accomplishments.
Last time I checked, basketball is a team sport and there are 10 people on the court; not 2.

I honestly feel like sometimes the only person that has my back is me.
I got into this habit of keeping a lot of things in because no one wanted to listen to me.
They'd always shut me out or not even be paying attention so I got into the habit of saying "nevermind" and just leaving things alone.
I have a few but I don't hang out with them and one of them doesn't even go to my school.

Look who decided to form some trust issues.
This girl.
I don't want to have trust issues; I really don't but when the same thing keeps happening to you, you can't help but to trust no one.
I really wish someone would show me that I can trust them.
There's this one girl on my basketball team that's always encouraging me and there's another one that's always on my ass about everything.
I appreciate both of them because considering I'm shy when it comes to meeting people, they notice me, not just because I'm tall but because I'm always laughing.
Always speaking the truth or at least, I try to.
I can't wait to see them tomorrow, they make my day.

There's this one guy that I don't think will ever let me go.
I honestly think that he loves me more than life.
I would love to believe that.
If it's true, great. Because I love him too.
I feel so safe in his arms; and as much as I don't want to get attached, I can't help it.
He effects me in so many ways.

There's him and there's school and stress and so called ex friends that call me childish and a liar.
I'll never forget that.
Everytime I think about it, it's like a million knives stabbing me deep into my back.
In that moment, I realized no one is forever.
Unless your loyalty is on point and you really care, you won't last.
You just won't; not in this cold hearted world.

Jan 11, 2015

Inspiration Post #3

Since I'm a freshman in high school, I'm finally getting a feel of why there's a dramatic change in a 8th grade student and a 9th grader.
Your "squad" that you thought was going to hold it down til the very end of time, will break up.
Why?
They are in a different enviroment now.
Some people really take advantage of high school and use it as a way to build a great image for themselves and start over.
Hey, I'm trying to do that too; we all are.
But some of your squad may think that they need a new clique for a new image.
But honestly,  if  your squad has a decent image overall, you won't feel the need to break away from them.
If they make you happy and they still say and prove they are there for you, you should stick with them.
Yes, I've lost friends.
I have people that I no longer talk to; that are able to walk straight past me and not speak.
But it made me a better person and at least I know who I can depend on in the long run.
I've stuck with the same clique for abot 3 years; never could break away from them.
They weren't popular and they didn't do sports in school like I did but they were real.
That was honestly all I could ask for.
So when people leave, let them.
I know you want to fight for them to stay but if they truly wanted to stay in their heart, they wouldn't even THINK about leaving.
I guess people feel the need to chase better things when they already have the best.

Inspiration Post #2

I guess we'll begin to talk about a subject that is sure to get everyone in their feelings:
Boys.
I think I should make something clear to you girls:
Don't let your boyfriend or even your girlfriend be the source of your happiness.
Don't.
Don't let their actions control how you feel ALL THE TIME.
Unless you plan on keeping them around you forever, I suggest you keep your distance.

No, I'm not saying go into a relationship thinking it will fail and you guys won't connect because more likely than not, you will.
Your love will feel so irreplaceable and so unique, you won't want to let it go.
But trust me when I say you should open your eyes and consider whether or not they are good for you.
Not how many times they make you smile but count how many times they break your heart or make you question your trust in them.

Based on my multiple experiences with guys, the few things that I value the most out of a relationship is honesty, trust, loyalty and of course, the obvious, love.
If you respect the same qualities I do and can prove them to me on a daily basis, trust that we will last.
I'm pretty sure none of you girls like boyfriends as liars.
One thing that will never change: Once you are defined as a liar, your trust is questioned and at that point, you are most  likely to lose trust.
All because you told either a big lie or a white lie; all lies are the same and have the same value.
Without trust, there really can't be a relationship or even a friendship so think about that GUYS, the next time you think you're saving your girlfriend another heartbreak.
Same goes with you ladies.

Loyalty.
Man, I love somebody that knows how to hold it down for the one he loves and isn't ashamed to admit it.
Honestly, it's a turn on.
But besides that,  it's also one of the main things of keep a relationship flowing. 
I've never met a girl in my life that likes to be cheated on and lied to; have you? I think not.

And here's something we should all notice:
If every single one of your friends is telling you that this guy is dangerous, he's lying, he's playing with your heart and emotions, shouldn't that be a a big, red, octagon stop sign to you?
And trust me, I cant even judge because I've gone through the same thing recently but seriously think about that question.
Think about whether or not that's God showing you a sign not to mess with him anymore.

So many of you want to take relationships seriously but never want to do the crucial things to save your serious relationship.

Dec 30, 2014

Inspiration Post #1

I'm going to be so honest with you guys throughout these inspiration posts and some of you will think I'm being cruel or too honest or even lying but it's real and it most definitely happens to most of you.

No matter how long you and your squad have been together, something will change in all of you. Then soon, you guys can't find time for each other or you can't find time to think about how your old squad is doing.
Why? well maybe they found the right group of friends when they started high school.
They found the fit for them, they found a group of people they didn't have to pretend to be someone else around.
Or maybe it's because they got tired of being around you and everything about yourself that used to be amazing they now find annoying and uninteresting.
But that amazing personality trait about yourself?
It's still amazing, you're still amazing.
You're still worthy of quality friends that won't up and disappear from your life now that they have a new audience at school to entertain.
I think every single one of you deserve the best from life but life doesn't give us the best.
Life gives us curveballs and dodgeballs that we have to avoid every once in a while..
And losing your so called "squad" is one of them.

But you do the same.
Go out there, find new friends, find a new crowd.
Find a group of people you can be yourself around and don't give them up for anything because if they can accept you for who you are, flaws and all, they are keepers.

Dec 26, 2014

New Ideas.

Time for a little change.
It's about what I'll be blogging about on here.
I think I should start using my stories and emotions to be beneficial to you guys.
I'm a very complex writer; nobody has to tell me that.
So I thought I should start writing inspiration posts.
Just to show you guys a different way to see my challenges that I go through.
Usually, I use pain, happiness and metaphors to describe what i'm going through because that's usually how it feels.
But I want you to learn from me, learn from my mistakes.
I want you to see the bright side to every mistake and even heartbreak.
Please enjoy and respectfully comment about what you want to read  or what you don't want to read.

Dec 19, 2014

Choices.

Lately, I've made some really crappy choices.
I've gone back and forth in between people that deserve me and people that don't.
My heart has been tossed and juggled with for the longest.
And the daily pain?
The tears?
They've become almost unbearable.
All these side effects I deal with trying to get someone to sneak back to my life or at least realize that I still have worth.
How can I expect him to see my worth if I can barely see it in myself?
Gotta open my eyes.
But its like duct tape is keeping them close.
His temporary love, his desperate stares, his empty and broken promises; all keeping me from just walking away and not regretting or questioning why I walked away in the first place.
But just in case you didn't know:
Alex is tired. 
Your girl is tired of being tired.
Tired of being jealous over people who can't even compete with her.
Tired of questioning someones love.
Alex deserves better but she didn't know it although her friends did.
But she didn't take their advice until 4 days ago.

But now? All of a sudden, she has value, she's important, he can find time for her now.
But why didn't you prove that to me while i was still around?
I can't read your insane little mind.
It was the choices you made that made me realized I was wasting all my precious time.

Choir.

If you guys don't already know, I absolutely love to sing.
It's one of my few passions besides writing.
But I'm in junior varsity right now with a group of immature people.
Don't get me wrong; someone has to be the leader in each section and my section has quite a few but the only leader standing on stage this afternoon for the Winter Program was me.
3 altos, 4 sopranos, and 1 bass.
It angers me to see how much effort they put into this choir.
I would love for someone to have enough guts to stand and sing while their ex boyfriend is literally 10 feet away at most, watching the only alto out of 3 sing a soprano part.
It sucked, we.. sucked.
One guy doesn't want to do it because his best friend isn't going to join him up there.
It's such a disappointment.
Then you hear the upperclassmen sing.
I want to be where they are,
I want to go places, do big things, be a inspirational change to 10 people or a thousand, doesn't matter.
Why do their behaviors have to hold me back when I want to sprint forwards?
So I'm back.
Lots of things have happened and your girl here has failed you in multiple ways and for that, I send my deepest apologies.
I haven't blogged in almost a month, I feel so out of writing.
I have a journal but I've been so busy trying to hold my messed up life together, I haven't had enough time to tell you lovelies about it.
But here goes nothing.

Nov 23, 2014

Lost.

I've been holding it in for a while.
Acting like it hasn't affected me in any way.
But it has affected me; in every way possible.
Kind of crazy how one person can do something so tragic & it can change everything and every part about you.
They have that kind of hold over your life.
When they finally leave, you lose yourself.
You lose everything you once were & you have to find yourself all over again, in someone else.
Don't.
Don't go on a soul search in someone else's life because I am here to tell you no one will stay in your life forever unless they are some type of family.
And I don't mean the best friend/ride or die/ "we are going to be sisters forever" type of thing.
I mean, people who you KNOW will hold you down til the day you die.
Words honestly mean nothing & actions mean everything.
Maybe that needs to be my new motto.
Because nowadays, you just can't trust anything anybody has to say until they prove it.
If they can't prove it, it isn't real.
Sorry to say it but 2 of my friendships have failed all because they couldn't find time for me anymore.
When I lost them, I lost myself & I began to feel lost because they were 2 people that brought out great sides to me.
But where are they now?
On their own little island, sipping margaritas, in a stress-free world while I am here, worrying about how I'm going to get them back.
I shouldn't but I am.
Because they have parts of me that aren't lost.

Nov 20, 2014

The Good In Goodbye.

You really do know how to keep me on my toes.
You really caught me by surprise when you turned your back on my wounded heart.
It's amazing how we can be friends for so long but you can walk right by me and not say a word as if I lost significance.
As if I'm not important.
As if I never meant anything to you and I probably never will again.
I can say I'm fine with that but I'm not.
It angers me to put so much effort into a relationship that you flushed down the toilet.
You kept pulling the handle, trying to make it all go down but it wouldn't.
The toilet resisted and then it broke.
The pipes bursts and the handle refused to flush.
This is what happens when you force things and don't take care of your own; they break.
You expected that toilet to last for 15-20 years just like I thought our friendship would last.
But it turns out there is no warranty and you never paid for it.
Even if you didn't, you can't renew a friendship like you can buy another toilet.
It wouldn't be the same.
The corny jokes you would tell each other over and over again would no longer be funny.
The songs you would sing together would have grown old.
The deep connection and relationship you used to have with each other no longer existed because you drifted.
You became independent, almost too independent and forgot who helped you on the climb to the top.
Maybe it's time for goodbyes.
Maybe we can actually find the real meaning behind the good in goodbye.

Nov 8, 2014

More.

LIVING IS MORE THAN JUST A PHYSICAL THING, DON'T YOU GET THAT?
If you asked yourself "what am I doing with my life?", would you have an answer?
Or would you just stay wondering until your senior year of high school?
Or would you stay wondering while you are 2 years into college, thinking about changing majors?

BREAKING A HEART IS MORE THAN A EMOTIONAL THING DON'T YOU SEE THAT.
You were their whole world & you messed up by wanting someone else while you were with them.
You could have messed up by losing interest & letting the love they felt for you go deeper & deeper without ever telling them, "I can't do this. I like her, not you. I don't wanna hurt you-"
But wait, you already did.
The worst line ever heard of all time: "I don't want to keep hurting you."
BUT YOU CONTINUE TO.
Over & over & over again.
Even better: You make promises you won't do it again until you do.
Can't even get mad at you or act like I didn't know we were slowly going down this road.

Now, it's hard to trust someone with your feelings and just yourself in general.
I used to say I would never use the phrase "trust issues" and compare myself to Drake but that was until everyone began to change and I had to start questioning peoples' intentions as if they were never pure.
I used to trust everyone, used to be able to look at somebody and tell within a minute if I could trust them or not.
Now, people are such great actors and actresses. Deception is their best trait and they put on that show for hours, weeks, days, months without anyone ever finding out how sneaky they truly are.

Crazy how this world works and crazy how you fit so well into it.

Oct 12, 2014

Depart, Apart.

So you left.
Nothing new, I've been accepting it for a couple of years when I finally realized you probably weren't coming back.
Until about a month ago, you sent a text asking if I was in sports and you wanted to be apart of my life after your grand departure.
I didn't want you to come back in.
I didn't.
I didn't need more disappointment than the world was already offering to me.
Okay, maybe you'll make a few games.
Earn a little bit of my trust back.
We may even talk about how I had a boyfriend for 3,4 months.
Then you fail to make one of my games or I can't get back in contact with you. 
What happens then?
I blame myself for letting you back in.
I blame myself for thinking I could take you for your word.
Harsh, I know.
But I'm a big girl now.
I'm a high school teenager with a blog and a journal and priorities.
Problems and risky decisions to make.
And on top of that, people to care about, people to care for.
Spare me from bringing up all those all memories that only you remember.
You departed from my mom but you also departed from me.
Now, you want to get on the ride of my high school career.
No.
You don't get to choose which parts of my life you want to be in.
You can either be all in or all out.

What Makes The World Go 'Round.

You called me complicated and what more can I say to that than thank you?
If we werent complicated or difficult or dealing with something in our life,
I couldn't write about anything that troubled me for my 14 years of living or anything that I struggled with.
I'd just be just be happy all the time.
For some reason, that seems too surreal.
I have plenty of problems.
A lot of them, people actually know about.
Like, how many people have said they are gonna be there and how many let me down.
Lets be completely honest:
At one point in time, all of my friends left my side.
They joined another group in this war, the group that was fighting againist me.
Instead of fighting side by side, we were fighting face to face.
Shooting bullets that leave bullet wounds that eventually turn into scares that remind us of how damaged we used to be.
How damaged you left me.

If I never had problems, I would never learn any lessons or learn that you can't depend on people or things of this world.
No one is there for you all the time except one person: God.
So for all you atheist people that believe there is no higher power,
I'm here to tell you you're wrong.
There will come a time when all of your friends leave you and you feel completely and utterly alone.
Nothing can help it except getting down on your knees and praying for your sanity.
Praying that you hold it together when you see that special someone at school or church or a meeting the next day.
Praying that no one asks why your eyes are so red from all the tears.
But I wouldn't have to think about this if things weren't complicated.

Complicated gets people in their beds when their loved ones die.
It gets them spendng 3,4 days, laid out in one spot, crying and leaving wet and snot filled tissues all over their bedspread.
It gets them to hire a maid because they feel so broken inside, they can barely function.
They can barely do simple things like go into the restroom to take a piss because I think secretly, if they look at themselves in the mirror, they are gonna break.
Piece by piece.
Tissue by tissue.
Cell by cell.
They are gonna think about what the hell they've been doing these past few days, mourning someone who is no longer of this Earth.
They are going to decide to function for once.
Try and get back into the swing of things until they find themselves at some classical party with calm music playing and awesome wine.
Except for a second, they stop noticing where they are.
They step outside of what's going on in the world and start to get inside their head.
I think they will have some sort of slideshow in their mind about the funeral and the burial.
How much they cried, how many people had to give them tissues, pat them on the back and give them the same crappy phrase, "I'm sorry for your lost."
Then they waltz out.
Nowhere to be found until days later, stuck under the covers, back to stage one.

I wanna go back.
To stage one.
I wanna go back to simple.
But if I wasnt complicated, I really would be just another atlhlete and I just can't see myself that way.
Something has to set me apart from the rest of them.
I think my complications are the best part.
They're a gift and that's how I see it.
If I never had issues, I wouldn't be a writer.
A strong writer.
I wouldn't have to sing every time I see him.
But then, I wouldn't know Amy could sing and that we make a great duo. 
I would have never discovered what I could do and I never would have decided that you are the fuel to all the risks I take with my talents.

Oct 5, 2014

Greatest Obstacle.

Apparently, we are supposed to go through something and in the end, it makes us stronger.
but what if it really does the opposite?
What if it complete destroys me.
What if it turns my life upside down, creates these earthquakes in my stomach and messes with my foundation?
Messes with the one thing that i need to get through all of this.
Cause everyone keeps telling me how this is supposed to be.
How I'm not supposed to fall in love well guess what?
The mind doesnt choose, the heart does.
Since when are things exactly how they need to be?
Just right here and right now, accept the fact that
there is this part of you that aches for love.
Aches for the drugs or the needles or the pain or something, somewhere inside you, you ache for your weakness.
Accept what you're dealing with then do everything in your power to fight it.
The difference between saying you can do something and actually doing something is yourself.
So maybe I need to stop telling myself I can stop loving you because its a weakness.
But it's my weakness and i own it.

Sep 27, 2014

My Answer.

I think I'm looking for answers.
Maybe even excuses for why I still love someone who could lie to me if he wanted to.
He asked why I'm still dealing with him as if he is the problem.
Maybe because he is my first real love.
All those guys before..?
Nothing compared to what I feel right now.

Then they try to figure me out.
My feelings and what I'm about.
Why I still love this guy when supposebly, I can do way better.
But just a month ago, we were "couple of 2014" and "the cutest".
Now, we kinda avoid each other and eye contact so those old feelings won't come rushing back the way they did when your lips met mine the day before we broke up.
The day before we disconnected.
The day before I was heartbroken and speechless.
The day before I felt like I didn't need to look for answers because they were all there, right in front of me.
Those answers were kissing my lips and filling up my life and my heart up with love and warmth until those answers got confusing.
Turnt cold and left Alex without a coat, defending herself.
Maybe those answers wanted more.
And why wouldn't they ?
Good answers come with details just like good relationships come with communication.
But we rarely talked.
How was I suppose to read your mind ?
You never had to read mine, I was open to whatever because it was you.
The trust, the love, the happiness was all there for the taking but everyone left it.
Left it for someone else to grab, the wrong someone else.
Advantages took over and now something else is in control of my heart.

Sep 14, 2014

Gone Temporarily.

When you told me that you were transferring, I crumbled a little on the inside.
I've only known you for a year and you have become to biggest part of my life known imaginable.
We could have spent that day together, talking, telling each other the truth.
Most importantly, alone.
Which is what we needed because when other people are around, if they see how I change, I don't know, I wouldn't want them to because the way you make me feel kind of turns me into a different person.
The good, mushy parts of me comes out.
The parts where I say things that are really in my heart, that they thought I didn't feel, that I thought I couldn't say out loud.
But I finally did and it still scared me but you are like a fire place; always warming me up and that feeling?
Sometimes, it can't go away.
She thinks that if you left, it would be easy to get over you but what if I still wanted you in my life?
Not just around, but in my life as in we still talked.
We were still cool, you could still feel the love between us whether that love was more than a friend or just friends.
I would like to know that something was there.
That part of it was real.
That part of us was real.
I just didn't ride around on my high horse saying that you love me, but that you actually meant it.
I don't want you gone.
Because this feelings I have, I can't shake them off.

What is life.

Life right now is a big emotional mess.
Relationships wise? 
Feels like I'm losing everyone and I do mean everyone.
Everyone is changing, shifting.
Right before my very eyes and it's all too surreal.
I feel like I'm trying to hold on to the old personalities of my friends when reality is: they're gone Alex. They have changed in more ways than one and every high school experience they suffer through is drastically moving them into the direction of: I wanna leave the school.
Or I wanna cry.
Or I want to give up.
And my personal favorite:
Does my life serve purpose?
Yes, your life serves purpose, if it didn't, you wouldn't be here right now but you are.
How dare you question your own value because even what you think about yourself doesn't even begin to describe how amazing you are.
Life gets tough but never tough enough to the point where you think you're not good enough for anyone else.
You're good enough for me.

Sep 5, 2014

Heated Mess.

Yay, I'm back to being a single girl. 
YAAAY..
Dude, this really hurts, so much, you have no idea.
I said I didn't know how to feel but who doesn't know?
I feel like finishing up my chipotle and watching Netflix until I drift into a blissful sleep.
But instead, I'm up. Trying to figure ish out about what is going on in my life.
How you guys been?
Because I have been lacking writing creativity.
Been jamming out a little bit too much over the summer.
Trying to take away all the pain from the fact I got dumped because I'm not enough.
So sweet and considerate of all my fucking feelings.
I really wish today never happened or at least, we could do things differently.
He couldn't even say it to my face and that sucked ass.
It did, really.
Man up dude. 
You have enough guts to tell me this isn't working; at least have enough guts to look at my face when you rip my heart from my chest with your reckless words.
Plain and simple is what we are apparently.
Everyone thinks I broke up with him but nope, he is the one that can't handle the heat.
But if you can't handle the heat, why were you messing with the flames?

Aug 30, 2014

Realest.

I failed at trying to make a romantic blog.
Instead of being corny and trying to metaphor my way through this blog, I'm gonna be romantically and annoyingly honest.
You light up my eyes. and my smile. and basically any and everything about me. 
I never really like defining myself as "in a relationship" because then, things would have to be official and maybe I don't want official. 
Because if we break up, we couldn't tell ourselves that it wasn't real because it most certainly was the realest thing I could feel.
Maybe I don't need official, maybe I just need the real part.
Maybe I need the part where we don't define ourselves as couples but we treat each other like real family; husband and wife.
Protect each other like brothers and sisters.
Talk to each other like best friends.
But maybe those relationships really are a fantasy because nobody is perfect 100% of the time.
God makes sure that sometimes, we feel like crap and we need someone to lean on. 
Which is why no human can go without talking or connecting with someone else.
But me and you?
We don't just connect.
You are like the constant electricity flowing through my little veins, giving me energy throughout the day and every time I see you.
Maybe I feel the need to write this because it has been a while since I have been happy for longer than a day straight.
I was so ready to get to the happy parts of life and now that they are here, I freeze up.
Tell me that whenever something good happens in your life, you don't second guess it.
Thought so. 
Because nothing last forever but when it's real it can.
And this feeling? It's the realest thing I've got.

Aug 20, 2014

Devil's Mansion.

Hi guys. Your blogger has been busy preparing for the high school life but in between, I managed to give my ex boyfriend another chance, have my best friend go through a great, life changing experience and my view on sex and relationships to shift completely. 
Sex.. shouldn't even be thinking about it right now; to be honest and that's just my opinion. I'm only 14 and those thoughts are deep. Those actions are deep and they change people. 
They can freaking change lives.
And it scares me to think that high school is my home now and pregnancy is possible. Maybe not at school but when it comes to being a teenager, you might as well think of us as walking reminders to adults about who they were before they became adults. They think they know what's best for our lives.
We might as well be defined at hormonal, explosive, and destructive.
Medium sized people trying to find themselves and an education all at once. 
It's difficult. and that's kinda my little view on it because that's how it seems now..
I don't care about people who don't care about me.
I can't keep doing that, I can't keep stressing over the fact that Louis called me annoying and a thot.
I still remember it but does it hurt? 
Nope.
Not one little bit because now that he knows how much I don't care, he misses me. He misses having someone on the outside that cares.
He liked having a back up but not anymore.
I saw his eyes when he saw me and Jaylen hugged.
By the way, there is nothing going on there so you can keep the rumors to yourself. He's practically my family.
It was me, him, his little gal and my mom. 
Back when, I could replace Jaylen's gal with Louis and that would be our little clique.
I missed that... for about 2 seconds until I realized all the hell he dragged me through while still managing to pretend that everything is FANTASTIC.
But I'm not gonna lie guys, my boyfriend is something else... different. Sweeter. More like himself. 
He makes me melt sometimes.. we're fantastic.
But this is high school.
Nothing but destructive teenagers who care and love just a little too much.
Welcome to the luxury of being a high schooler because baby, we aren't in hell anymore.
We're in the devil's mansion.

Aug 2, 2014

News.

"You're better than what life throws at you."
I like it, I just made it up, in my head, right now.
It's one of the nights where I decided to rethink my decisions in my love life. 
I'm guessing you know what I mean.
If you don't, read some of my past blogs and put the pieces together.
I have been immeasurably brutal and honest with everyone.
I need to feel like I can breathe again.
Do you know how hard that can be?
Breathing and not worrying about how you're gonna see your crush tomorrow and how he isn't gonna give 2 shits about how you are.
He's gonna look at you and not see the affection you feel for him.
You gotta hide it because it's what best for your feelings.
It's what you think is what's best for you and maybe it is.
Or maybe you are one of those girls that just can't help that your crush doesn't know you like him.
It's killing you on the inside and if that just so happens to be you ladies?
Tell him.
You deserve the world and if he likes you back, then look at how much good came out of you being honest.
If he doesn't like you back, look at what you just learned.
Because he missed out on someone amazing.

Jul 31, 2014

Reminder.

Remind me of the last time I cared enough to walk away from a relationship that was constantly giving and leaving me with wounds.
Remind me of the last time I smiled when he was by my side because to be honest, I can't remember anymore.
I can only remember how many knives you left in my back, tearing into my flesh.
How many nights I was left without a friend, without your comfort.
How many days I spent, worried about your existence and health. 
Just to find out that you were perfectly fine, only you were slightly out of reach.

Remind me of the last time we weren't worried about someone else ruining the perfect chemistry we had.
Remind me of the last time our love was our glue, the thing we thought would hold us together. 
I can only remember the way we fell apart, large chunks and pieces, drifting into the air as if they never existed.
How many times my heart broke when I saw you with her.
How many days I sat with my best friend at that round table, in the corner of the cafeteria, talking about the little shit you did to bring tears to my eyes.
Just to play games and just to remind me that you owned my heart in your cruel, ungrateful little hands.

Jul 29, 2014

2.

2 is the amount of people I trust from my church.
It's funny because they are kind of perfect for each other if they stopped being so nervous and paranoid.
But anyway, I'm not here to give relationship advice because I'm not even in one.
I .. I trust them.
They have told me the truth and looked out for my best interest ever since I got into their lives.
That means a lot.
It's commitment, loyalty.
2 things that are seriously hard to find nowadays.
I appreciate them for that.
Especially this year, there are countless amount of people that have turned their back on me, or lied to my face. 
Betray me.
But they haven't.
At least.. not from church.
They're good people, I believe they always will be.
I encourage you guys to not to let a girl or guy change you.
Nobody.
You're hearts are pure and no one should have the right to change that. ♥

Personal.

I know you probably think maybe I don't understand but I do.
Things I can't explain to you are personal too.
Maybe you'd think I'm crazy but to be honest, I trust you.
More than I do my own boo.
And I don't even have a boo but If I did, you'd be the first guy I'd run too.


I just wanted you to see that everyone has personal shit.
That I'm still having hope for 2 people that have done me so wrong but I remember them, who they were, how great they seemed.
Hm, maybe it was all an joke and I was opening act.
Admiting I had problems was so much harder than just brushing them off.
I acted and told myself I was fine because maybe, my body, my mind, my heart would respond the same way, but it doesn't.
It does remind me that some things are better admitting instead of hiding.
When you hide it, it grows stronger inside of you and once it gets a certain size, you end up exploding.. in anger, in sadness.
It's never pretty and I wouldn't want that for you.
Or anyone.
Because there is a difference between exploding and imploding.

Jul 25, 2014

Assumptions.

I'm ready.
I'm so ready for this fresh and new start at Generations.
It's what I need because all I was dealing with at 3D was immature people and problems.
I'm cutting those people off.
And I say that but it's time to put meaning behind those words.
I want to mean what I say and say what I mean.
Makes me more dependable and stable on my decisions.
No crap.
No fakeness.
I can sense that from a mile away.
I trust very few people now.
Learned that from none other than the very best.
Which is why I really want to thank all the people that betrayed because now, I have a much smaller circle.
MUCH smaller.
I may talk to you on the regular but it doesn't mean I trust you with MY secrets and problems.
You may think we bff's but if you have to think about why I'm still friends with you after everything you've done, then you may be right: I don't trust you to have my back or trust you with anything personal.
Remember that the next time you decide to toss one of your "friends" under the bus.

Jul 24, 2014

Complicated.

If any 9th grader from this year can text me and tell me that your life didn't somehow get complicated and confusing; well, there are no 9th graders that can tell me that.
Well, at least not from 3D.
All life was for me last year was complicated.
You really don't know how many times I heard someone tell me "I'm confused" over the 8th grade year.
And I'd be hurt because I figured, I was confusing, stupid and not making any sense.
But now, when I look over it, it makes me realize, 
We all went through hell and high water.
Each and every one of us.
So you can't tell me that "it's complicated and you wouldn't understand" because to be honest, I know I would.
Whether it's friends, or jealous ex-girlfriends, or boyfriends, or grades or school or teachers, you name it, they somehow became a problem in 8th grade.
We were maturing.
We wanted adventure.
We found it at school, took advantage and it went in a down spiral.
Each one of us found out the hard way, some way.
School was first complicated but now, it's pretty simple:
You're there to learn. 
Don't try and find your soulmate because he or she isn't there. No matter how much y'all so call "love each other", you won't remember that when you're screaming at them through text, talking about how he likes someone else and you thought you guys were perfect.
Meant to be.
Written in the stars and all that.
Don't worry about it.
Find some joy in being single.
You can flirt.
Mingle.
Don't have to feel so committed to someone when they may not be as committed to you as you think.
So please, relax, sit back, and enjoy the ride.
Stop trying to control how fast it goes or whether the water will splash on you because then you, yourself are making things more complicated than they need to be.

Jul 20, 2014

Trust Fall Part 2.

Here's what so funny:
Even after you have bailed on me so many times, I still find the time to love you.
I still find the time to care, to listen, to be there.
I still find the time to be the person who you trust to catch you when you fall.
I was there.
For both of you.
But when it got time for my trust fall, I looked around, and 
I felt deserted.
Like I was dreaming about a tropical party in Hawaii only to wake up to lonely island.
When I needed you, you both disappeared out of thin air.
Like you were born with instinct to be made invisible.
You both suck for it.
But I still feel as if there is some part of you that still cares about my existence.
Constantly being let down but my hope keeps me alive.
Keeps me believing that you aren't heartless.
So maybe next time I fall so hard, that I'll fracture my skull, bleed out and maybe then, you'll add more importance behind the definition of trust fall.